Long Days, Short Years

This blog is for the Mamas who (like me) roll your eyes at all of the how-to life hack videos featuring SAHM’s with spotless homes, perfect nails and a face full of makeup. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have time for all that. I prioritize playing with my kids over cleaning my house. I (try to) cook them healthy meals. Sometimes, like today, that is just corn chips and hummus, cucumber, cheese slices and fruit for lunch. It’s also 93 degrees outside so they were totally happy with a cold lunch. 

I meal plan, I take them to the library, parks, museums and to visit friends and family but most of the time it’s just me and them, making it up as we go along. We play on our playground, go for “woods walks”, read books and cuddle and have lots of laughs and some tears as well of course. I try to not stress over the housework. My sink is usually full of dishes and there’s usually crumbs on the floor under the kids’ highchairs, but I only have so much energy in one day and precious time with them. When my 2-year-old asks me “Mommy, want to play with me?” I want to say yes 90% of the time. I want to show him he is more important to me than cleaning up. Don’t get me wrong, I scrub my floors on my hands and knees when I’m inspired to do so (about once a month) and bake muffins laced with veggies, but I am starting to realize I can’t do it all, all of the time. And I can’t care about what it looks like on the outside. My in-laws have made comments about my always full sink or my infant scoring a floor Cheerio, and that shit used to bother me but they’re not here to weather the chaos that leads to the floor scrubbing or the sweet moments I wouldn’t trade for anything, even a spotless home. 

I have 2 children, ages 3 and 15 months. I never planned on being a SAHM, it just kind of happened. I lost my job when I was 6 months pregnant for my second child and took it as a blessing to be able to spend the next 3 months soaking up QT with my oldest before the baby came. At 3, 6 and 12 months post-partum I tried to imagine returning to work and leaving my boys Monday-Friday with someone else. It just didn’t make sense; financially, emotionally, physically. So here I am. Trying to be the best darn SAHM I can (while not driving myself crazy with the minutia or becoming a crazy couponer or super-crunchy nut who doesn’t let the kids touch anything not homemade). I’m surviving. And most days I smile more than I frown. I laugh more than I cry, and I try not to worry about things that I cannot control (thanks good ole’ Serenity Prayer!) but this parenting thing, this experience of being a mother, cracks you wide open. You don’t know shit about what kind of parent you are until you are sleepless, braless, covered in pee and peanut butter, muttering nursery rhymes in your sleep and explaining to a naked child (again) why they cannot chase the mail truck.  I am doing my best to raise joyful, responsible, creative humans and it is exhausting. I am tired, hungry most of the time and usually unshowered. I am a raw mama.